Have you like, ever wondered like, how Instagram models stay SO skinny??
Luckily for us untoned beasts, Maddison Wooley has shared her very own grocery haul and what she eats in a day as part of her 'at home vlogs' to her 121k YouTube subscribers.
It's crazy how like different influencers lives have become since 'Rona. Now they're stuck inside all day, with nothing to do but tell us about their workouts and food they're eating... hang on...did COVID-19 level the playing field and we all just became influencers over night?
Maddie is your typical, used to live in NOOOOOO-SA with her loaded parents in a fuck off mansion girl, but now lives in Sydney in a white box apartment because she's 22 and independent.
Of course she has a buff, Insta-worthy boyfriend, Johnathon Sauer, who is totally at least six years older than her and used to be Shani Grimmond's hand bag... He even moved to Sydney with her...CUTE!
Maddison welcomes her loyal followers to her vlog the only way physically possible for a YouTuber... in front of a mirror with her arm outstretched over her head. Her bedroom is so white, it looks like Pauline Hanson designed it.
Of course, she's in a skin tight, Gymshark matching set showing off her perfect natural big boobs, perfect abs, perfect peachy arse.... did we mention PERFECT! I'm totally not jealous as I inhale a large bag of Maltesers at 1.00am on the couch feeling inadequate.
Like the perfect goddess that she is, Maddie has already worked out and it's only 7.00am... FML.
Scene change because like, the lightning was shit... "Ok, we're back onto my floor now because the lighting coming in from my windows is like really gross. Today's like a super cloudy, over cast day, so it's just making the lighting gross." - Mother Nature can you get your shit sorted!?! Maddie is vlogging today!
Now into the kitchen where the magic happens! Mads has just worked out so of course she is fresh faced, #nomakeupvibes, except of course for the Snuffleupagus eyelash extensions.
Time for some earth shattering news.... breaky is 'avocado toast'... cue perfectly ripe avocado because that always happens to us too.
After a gourmet 'avocado toast' it's meal prep time and what better way to capture this important part of the day with a shot of Maddie's tits...
This is where the vlog takes a shocking turn... and we've got to say we are DISAPPOINTED with a capital D. We've come to expect this from the likes of Sammy Robinson or Michael Finch, but not you Mads!
Maddie breaks the cardinal sin of vlogging and forgets to take her camera to Woolies... PLUS, she eats TAKEWAY sushi for lunch. .. Makes total sense considering the whole point of the vlog was for her to show us what she cooks for herself during a day in iso!!! At least I have an excuse to cave and get Uber Eats for lunch.
Cue, perfect, colourful, healthy grocery haul - Question (asking for a friend): Where are the chips and chocolate?
"I got some raspberries and strawberries. Literally the best snack foods and also perfect for putting on top of breakfast stuff." - Has she tried marble chocolate?
Hang on a second! Is that what I think it is?!? It can't be!?! It's CHEESE! Mads, you've just won us back. Thank fuck, an influencer that's not 'dairy free' or vegan. HALLELUJAH.
"So, this might be TMI, but I can like feel a blind pimple coming in because it's nearly that time of my month." - I didn't believe it, but she is one of us!
It's time to see Maddison pack all her aesthetically pleasing groceries into her aesthetically pleasing fridge... It's sped up of course because we don't have all the time in the world... Some of us need time to watch Sammy Robinson stack her dishwasher later on her channel.
Everything's all packed away in her super neat, perfect pantry.... HANG ON! WHAT IS THAT?!?
It's a BIN! EWWWWWWW. And it's ON DISPLAY? That's not AESTHETIC! And why isn't it WHITE? At least the bin bag is white.
Now it's time to pretend to work, AKA stare at photos from a recent 'content shoot'.
HOLY MOTHER OF INSTAGRAM. Is that what we think it is? Messy power cords ruining the aesthetics of Maddie's pristine, white palace. HEINOUS. Mads, we know we're all going through a bit with COVID-19 but get this sorted ASAP please.
After a busy day of grocery shopping and playing around on Instagram, it's already 4.00pm. Give this gurl some overtime!
It's the moment of truth, Maddie confirms she's cooking stir-fry tonight... BUT there's a problem. The tofu is OUT OF DATE.... Holy fuck, what a disaster. If this was me, Uber Eats would've already received my order.
Being the domestic goddess that she is, Maddison decides to forge ahead.
But before getting started on dinner, Mads checks her 'to do list' and realises she's forgotten to go on her afternoon walk. Thank god there's a list because things are HECTIC here.
Another earth-shattering update, Maddie wants to upgrade to air-pods. Apple, get on it. This girl has 521k on Instagram.
"So, I'm not going to bring my camera with me on this walk because I really want to zen, put my podcast on, zen, relax not really worry about vlogging or anything or doing any work or anything. So, I'll talk to you guys when I get back." - UMMM WOT!?! I know it must be really hard documenting your crazy busy day at home, but this is your JOB!
"Umm, I totally forgot I was supposed to be vlogging today. I also look so crazy. I put some tan on cos I think I'm doing some content stuff tomorrow." - This is what happens when you drop the ball and don't film your walk. You then forget to film your shower and then the start of dinner. You know deep down your Insta audience are predominately horny men. Do you think they're really watching for your tips on how to organise your pantry?!?
To get her male audience back in favour, Mads chooses this artistic angle as she organises the stir-fry.
The final product, an average looking vegetable stir-fry. Would've been way better with tofu.
"I kind of clean as I go. That's a nice, helpful tip for when you guys are cooking... I can't take my fake tan seriously... but yeah clean as you cos when you get to the end it's pretty much done and there's only a few things to do." - Wise words, kids.
It's 8.00pm, so time to retire to bed to watch Puberty Blues... It has been a tiring day grocery shopping and making dinner.
Not before some sneaky mango sorbet! Naughty, naughty! And from the tub too. CRAZINESS!
Maddison signs off from the vlog, by telling her invisible audience that she, 'loves them SO MUCH', but she leaves so many unanswered questions. Namely, what kind of psycho is stuck at home in iso and doesn't snack between meals?
If you would like to see the full 20 minute vlog, check out Maddison Wooley's YouTube channel here.
*DISCLAIMER* - For those who don't have a sense of humour, this is clearly satirical.